Importance of Natural Resources

Alberta Budget 2019: Explained

*UCP jingle plays* Hey there, cowboys, Travis “Old Boots” Toews here Now, I’m just a simple, country Minister of Finance, but I’m going to do my best to try and explain the Alberta budget to you. Now, first of all, you might be asking: “Old Boots,” why release it now? Why didn’t you release it when you took office? Well, there was a federal election coming up and we didn’t want to “rock the boat.” That’s called political genius. As you know, we are all about making government more transparent and accessible So here is The Budget: Explained. *Gunshot sound* You see, cow-kids, our new budget will put people back to work through the tried and true method of trickle-down economics. That’s where we give tax breaks to the wealthy and then they take a piss on the working class and their piss “trickles-down” your face while we laugh. Economics We’re going to bring promised jobs back, but first we have to pay off our debt to those poor, hard up bankers. *Old timey piano music* *Intense chugging* Aww … fuck yeah OK! We will be making surgical cuts to *Loud belch* assistance to people with disabilities and we’ll be finding efficiencies. So, we’ll get one person to do the work of two people We’ll also shit-can a whole bunch of nurses and teachers and other public sector workers. Wooooh! *Fires guns* Now you might be scratching your old noggin, saying But “Old Boots,” doesn’t Alberta have the best debt-to-GDP ratio in the country? Is the debt even a problem? But “Old Boots,” global warming is “allegedly” accelerating and we need to invest to stop it from killing and displacing millions of “people.” But “Old Boots,” people need to “go to school” and “be taken care of when they get sick” and not get thrown in a “pit” when they get “old.” But “Old Boots,” Husky just laid off a bunch of people even though you handed out $4.5 billion in tax cuts to corporations. I care about those things too. But let’s be realistic, Alberta. We can’t have “human rights” or “basic dignity” before we get the economy humming again. We’re going to do that with the good old fashioned neoliberal playbook. We’re gonna drum up fear of debt, we’re gonna cut the shit out of public services that working people rely on and we’re gonna give those savings to the 1%, then we’re gonna privatize health care and education so we can make even more money off of peoples’ basic needs. And then we’re gonna raise our faces to the heavens and feel that sweet, sweet trickle down. *Choral music plays* And we’ll always have more money for drilling for oil! *Laughs gleefully* So good luck Alberta and fuck you and fuck th—

Reader Comments

  1. First off, climate activists are a joke. You block a road, your getting a size 3500 dodge ram thru your grill, but that's besides the point. You need to give tax breaks to offset the carbon tax to keep jobs. Ucp is doing what they can do to offset the federal government's recklessness with taxation. Not to mention, alberta needs to pay back the debt that the NDP acquired by their reckless spending.

  2. is 4H really more important than public services? if its not oil or farming watch out! finding efficiencies everywhere else but its own partisan interests. its what albertans voted for *Cough

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